Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.