I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper