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One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
This makes total sense…
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm