My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
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Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.