[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
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I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
when revenge coincides with naptime
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”