I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
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I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.