Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Growing out my freckles.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
🤣😈🤣
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants