“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*