Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big