i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
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Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.