Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I missed you with all my darts
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday