Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
The pasta is now