Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
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Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
work smarter, not harder
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?