I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
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How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.