Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I put the hot in psychotic.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.