Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
You Might Also Like
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.