Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
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A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Acronyms got me like WTF?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.