[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
You Might Also Like
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences