My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
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Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
i choose….tongue
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.