*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
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“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.