What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
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” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Aight bet
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I beg your pardon?
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
hmmm
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.