When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
this is what they would have looked like, though
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I didn’t come here to be called names
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.