TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?