Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
You Might Also Like
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.