her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
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4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I鈥檓 not
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 馃槈
her: are those empty
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*