Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
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Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.