*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
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Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.