* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
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I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
same vibe as tangled headphones
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.