Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
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I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands