I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
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WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
That lamp looks PISSED.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
it’s the silliest best thing
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?