Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
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Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
termite twitter scares me
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.