Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
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Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
For the orator and chef in all of us
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”