medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
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My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.