*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”