There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
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proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that