To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
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I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together