Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
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Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
#math
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I’m not alone. I have ants.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.