Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
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it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!