i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
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4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .