How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*