One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
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ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
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If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.