[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
*weighs self after shaving
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*