Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle