Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
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Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Challenge accepted.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around