I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.