if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
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Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.