I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
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Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.