:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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I have many caverns
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
stand with me against insufficient seating
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“HELP WITH CAT”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.