“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?