Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
You Might Also Like
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.